Fall 2009 Issue
It’s rough at home so I think I’m going to rob a bank. I won’t use a gun, just my hand in my pocket. I’ll check out where all the surveillance cameras are and make sure that they’ll get a few good close-ups of me being handed the money by the teller. Once I get outside to my car, I’ll make sure it won’t start. When the police come I’ll give up without a struggle and give them the money even though my husband and I could use some help with our very large mortgage. The reason I think I’m going to do this is because I want to go to prison.
If you have children you can probably guess the reason. I need a rest. I have four children under the age of ten; two of them are still in diapers. We have a big old house to keep clean, and besides that, I have a part-time job that cuts into the time I have available to do all the things that need to be done at home. (Yes, my husband does help—sometimes.) Don’t tell me to quit the job. It’s fun. It’s the easiest part of my day, and THEY PAY ME. Also I’d really like to finish college. I’ve heard there are some free college courses in prison, and there’ll be lots of uninterrupted time to study.
In prison, I’ll probably have to get up early but that’s okay; I get up early now. I also get up a lot in the middle of night with the baby. There’ll be no babies to get up with in prison. I won’t have to cook in prison and no little person will ask me what’s for supper and then say “Yuck” when I tell him. I won’t have to fight with a different little person in the morning to get her to eat the oatmeal I made, and I won’t have to drive anyone to school because they missed the bus. In fact, I WON’T HAVE TO DRIVE ANYONE ANYWHERE.
The television in the prison won’t be tuned to Sponge Bob or Sesame Street. On it, I might actually get to watch a daytime talk show. There may even be a special exercise room in prison for the inmates, or at least I’m sure there will be special times set aside when the prisoners are exercised in the “yard.” (I’ve seen lots of prison movies.) At home I don’t have time to exercise. I’m hoping that in prison I can lose some weight and in get shape. Reading is something I really enjoy, but there is a very high pile of dusty unread books on the shelf in my closet. I’m going to bring all those books with me when I go to prison.
The guards in the prison won’t expect me to do housework. Sure, I’ll make my bed, clean the little mirror over my sink and my toilet; but that’s all. I won’t have to do mountains of laundry, clean any ovens, wash walls and windows, or do yard work, although I think I might miss the yard work. I love flowers. But I guess everything has a price.
By the time I have to leave my temporary prison home, my husband will surely have come to appreciate all that I had to do and, finally understand why I was always tired. My children will probably be adults if I get the long sentence I think I might like; and I will have missed their teenage years entirely. That does it. I’m going to put on my brand-new red jacket with the deep pockets. Then I’m out the door and on my way to the First National.
