Earlier this year on our Facebook fan site, we asked a debate question about sleepovers (yea or nea?) that dusted up quite a controversy. Many moms have opted to nix the idea altogether for fear of potential predators, while others thought it was overstating things to assume that every sleepover is fraught with danger.

The thoughts aired were compelling enough to continue the conversation here. We invited four parents and fans of the magazine to give us the benefit of their experiences.

Jen Parsons

Not on my watch. No sleepovers.

You just never know.

As a woman, I have experienced multiple inappropriate acts by men, as a child and an adult. Never molestation, never rape, but I think that being a woman practically guarantees that you will have experienced some incident in your lifetime that you can recall that made you feel ‘uncomfortable.’ I, along with countless others, never said a word. So when we are looking at statistics like, “Worldwide, 1 in 3 women will suffer some sort of sexual abuse or rape event in her life,” if we are honest with ourselves, and with each other, we might find that statistic actually is a farce, and the numbers are even more alarming.

Once, I wasn’t able to use my voice, but as I recover from semi-permanent laryngitis, I have learned to stand up for women suffering unspeakable atrocities and brutal rape by organizing a Run for Congo Women 5K. I may not have been capable of using my voice when I needed it, but I will use it now to start a conversation, and protect my children, even if that means I will be judged as an overprotective, hyper vigilant, helicopter Mom.

Jennifer Parsons, Mama Bear to two amazing children, is the founder of the Colorado Run for Congo Women, and blogs at www.theevolvinghomemaker.com

Sunda Friedman TeBockhorst

The need to balance a sense that the world is safe rushes in to compete with my knowledge – stuck fast with years of counseling those victimized by the untrustworthy – that you can’t trust people. As much as I don’t want my children to know this, to live this reality, they must, and they do. I hope to equip them with the skills to keep themselves safe, but it starts with me.

So my children won’t go. Even when I do know the family, my children likely will not go; while the professional in me knows familiar people are the greatest threat, the mom in me knows that they’re too young to act as caretakers of children in a crisis. Since this is what I would potentially be asking of them, I will wait until they are old enough to make a scene, be rude, get out. I will need to know that they are enough beyond early childhood to know when they don’t need permission to make decisions on their own behalf, and to trust that I will never be angry if they make people uncomfortable by screaming out their right to be the safe, happy children that they are.

Sunda Friedman TeBockhorst, M.A., L.P.C. is a therapist, a mother of two and a doctoral candidate at University of Northern Colorado.

Catherine Siebel

A number of GB readers are so emphatically against sleepovers that they have instituted a permanent “no-sleepover policy”. This flabbergasts me. Who in the HELL would purposely eliminate conjugal time with their spouses? Imagine! The martinis! The brief-but-satisfying-sex-leading-to-dreamless-sleep-until-oh-my-god-8-a.m.!

When my rational “adult” brain takes over from the liquor- and sleep-first mentality, my flabbergastation remains. Forbidding your children from doing anything that has a chance of being dangerous does everyone a disservice. It doesn’t give kids the tools to deal with new situations. It sends the message that most people can’t be trusted (even though, contrary to the insidious Datelines of the world, most people can). It gives parents a false sense of security (the safest thing you could actually do for your child would be to institute a “no-car policy”). And to repeat, because it’s the most important –it doesn’t give them the tools to deal with new situations. These children will become adults. They will encounter situations that parents can neither predict nor control. Let them grow into themselves. Let them choose manhattans over martinis, if they want.

Catherine Siebel is on the sociology faculty at Northeastern Illinois University in Chicago. At home she is a big fan of sleepovers, martinis, and manhattans.

And just when you thought you had your plan figured out… here’s a monkey wrench from a dad of recent teenagers.

Scott James

Evolution of the “sleep” over

“Sally, I found a condom wrapper in your trash.”

“I put it at the bottom!”

“And when I dumped it out…”

“Oh, yeah…”

“Maybe you should empty your own trash, ya think?”

Sleepovers sure have changed during the past 20 years. We used to worry about nervous kids, sick kids, a random bedwetting, the standard letting-go stuff. It’s hard to let your babies be away from you those first few times. The trust issues, the start of independence, the fitting in stuff…all positive-growth opportunities, but still a little challenging.

Eventually though, you come to celebrate those sleepovers, especially as you learn to trust your kids and the families.

“Date night, baby, where do you want to go? Oh, you want to order in? I’ll get some wine, lots of wine.”

But believe me; you’re just getting warmed up. The sleepovers continue but acceptance issues are the last thing on your mind.

“Sally, what were you two doing up in the cabin?’

“Nothing.”

“Wrong answer….”

After a few conversations about STDs (children being the hardest ones to get rid of and most expensive), you eventually go through another stage of acceptance.

“Hey Billy, how many breakfast burritos should I order?”

Scott James is an empty-nesting parent in Fort Collins.

What’s your opinion? Put in your two cents!